Today

I feel it.
I feel the failure.
I feel the disappointment.
I feel the awkwardness.
I feel the difference.
It's all gonna be okay at some point.
But still..
I feel it.


The doubt is in my head
I wonder.
Why me?
Out of all the others why me?
Why be with me if I was free first?
Weren't they worth the wait?
Why me?
They're better than me in some way or another..
Prettier..
Smarter..
Funnier..
Sexier..
Probably better than me more ways than I can count..

Why?
Why me?

What if...
What if you didn't choose me..
What if you didn't break up with her in the first place..
Of all the things that had happened that was the only difference..
Would you still be here?
Would be staying here for her just like you're staying here for me..

What if..
What if I didn't look for you?
What if I listened and just went back to my house...
Would there still be an us?
Or would it be just you and just me...

What if we did break up...
What happens then?
Do you stay here or do you go back?
Would you do well enough in Bio?
Would you go back to chasing them?

 What about the cards
What if I changed my mind and wanted them back...
Would you know what was yours and what was mine?
Aren't the majority of them mine?
Would you give them up willingly or would I have to fight for them?

I thought about all this..
Just waiting for you to get out of class..
I wondered about my life..
I wondered how it would be
Would I make it through whatever happens next..

I wondered about my birthday.
I never planned to reach 21.
I never planned to even live through 20
And yet here I am.

I wondered about what I would tell my parents.
I wondered what I would tell my friends
I wondered what would happen to the group.

I thought through it
And yet.. I didn't like how it would turn out..
It wasn't that hard to think it up.
It's the same plan as last semester huge drama.. debacle.. mess.. thing..

I'd leave the group
I'd stay away from the cafe
Regardless of how hungry or how thirsty I was
I'd drop out from VA21
I'd leave it all.

Would that have meant that I was running away?
Cause I wouldn't have seen it as that..
I just wanted to make things easier
Easier for you to forget me
Easier for you to move on
What I wanted didn't really matter
Just as long as you were happy.




Happiness is kinda really all that mattered