Lacking Sanctuary

There are a lot of things going on in my world. I feel like I say that often and frankly, there are a lot of things going on. I finally got a job! I'm a cashier at Giant. I'm taking many semester off from classes so I can just work. I'm only part time right now but at some point I want to be full time. I can work any time since I've kinda dropped everything. I stopped going to school. I stopped going to church. I've even stopped going home. Well, that's false. I've gone home every once in a while but that's slowly coming to a halt.

There's really no place for me to call my own anymore. I'm constantly surrounded by people. I don't really have time to myself. My family has moved from a house to a two bedroom apartment. My parents have their own room and I'm suppose to have the second bedroom but little brother is at that age where he just needs his own space now. The living room isn't really fit for him to have as a bedroom. So, he has the second bedroom that has the majority of my stuff in it.

Since I'm not living at home, I've been with the boyfriend. He's in a three bedroom apartment with two other roommates. At one point, all the roommates had a girlfriend. So, there were some nights were there were six people living in the apartment. It's doable. There were usually just four people hanging out. But yeah, I'm with the boyfriend. So, his room is also my room but truthfully, it's not my room. Yeah, my stuff is in it but the majority of it all is his. My stuff mainly in a corner night table and one of his drawers is full of my pants. This room, isn't my room.

It's starting to bother me that I don't have my own space. My own area to just let go and be me. A place for me to just lay down and relax and not deal with the world. I honestly miss my sanctuary. The only place I can call my own for a while is the bathroom when I'm taking a long hot bath. Even then, it's not the same.  I miss listening to my music loud. I miss just lying down and not being disturbed for a long period of time. I miss just talking out loud and knowing that anything I say won't be repeated or overheard or misunderstood. Saying it all in my head is like keeping it all bottled up.

Military Child vs. Civillian Child

Military Child vs. Civilian Child

1. A Civilian child usually dances around or talks during the National Anthem.
A military child stands quietly with his hand over his heart.

2. A civilian child sees race.
A military child sees diversity.

3. A civilian child has a best friend in his hometown.
A military child has a best friend on almost every continent.

4. A civilian child sees only the plane flying over.
A military child not only can identify the type of plane flying but knows someone who works on them.

5. A civilian child smells something nasty and yells "eeewwww, what's that smell?".
A military child smells something nasty and yells "M.O.P.P. 4! M.O.P.P.4!!"

6. A civilian child sees a person in uniform.
A military child can tell you what branch he's in and what his rank is.

7. A civilian child thinks home is where the heart is.
A military child knows home is where the military sends you.

8. A civilian child lives for tomorrow and what it might bring.
A military child lives for today for tomorrow Daddy might get called away again.

9. A civilian child gets to kiss mommy and daddy goodnight each night.
A military child sometimes has to kiss a picture of daddy or mommy goodnight.

10. A civilian child talks on the phone for fun.
A military child lives for the 15 minute phone calls once a week.

11. A civilian child can read and write in English.
A military child can read and write in acronym.

12. A civilian child says "good-bye".
A military child says "see you later".

13. A civilian child gets to see things other kids would love to see.
A military child gets to see things world leaders would love to see.

14. A civilian child will probably go to the same school his entire life.
A military child will probably change schools every 3 years.

15. A civilian child might rarely leave his hometown for anything other than vacation.
A military child will rarely see his "hometown" for anything other than vacation.

And finally...a civilian child supports our soldiers. A military child is a soldier.

The next time you say a prayer for our troops, please say a prayer for their families, especially their children back home that are trying to be strong

What is your opinion on that?



Is an affair "Miscellaneous" or perhaps mainstream? I'm afraid I might be in the category with all the crazies and all their strange perversions. I wonder if people actually do these things, or just fantasize about them?



Unlike many of the Craigslist guys, I'm pretty normal when it comes to just liking and respecting a good woman, and unlike most of these guys I have a high IQ. My parents loved me, raised me right, and I followed "the rules" for the most part in my life. I was an "A" student, I went to a competitive University, I have a professional job, I got married and had kids, I stay in shape, I am fanatical about my diet, I have great sense of humor, young 40ish, handsome, and I have that decent six figure white collar job. With all that I have going on that is good, right and proper and has the blessings of Society bestowed upon them, I have to tell you, something is missing from my life. I thought about it a lot a few years back, I mean, how can you be unhappy when on the surface you seem to have everything?



It took me a while to figure out what it was, call it a midlife crisis or an awakening, but I went down that rabbit hole of self discovery and came to this conclusion: I'm missing that feeling of excitement and infatuation that we only find at the beginning and early stages of a relationship.



Think about it. We swoon with a new lover, we thrill with every kiss and touch, and we just think that person is so wonderful and so interesting. If you marry them and stick around a few years you see the other side of it, the "comedown" from that high. You are stuck at that point, you have the house, the kids, the pets, the in laws, all the couples you have as friends, the same old same old routine in your day to day life, even the love life becomes a familiar routine.

After a while a feeling builds...a desire for something different, you start to have the wandering eye and check out attractive members of the opposite sex, you start to think about what life would be like if your spouse was not around, you start to wonder if marriage was a mistake, you "wake up" and realize that you were sold a fairy tale happy ending that is far from the reality of your life.....



What do you do when you get to this place? You could get divorced, it's so extreme though. You could just paint a smile on your face and try to go about your life, many of us do that for years. You could be a little selfish and try to find some happiness for yourself. What do I mean? I'm talking about having an affair.

It happens all the time. People you know right now are having affairs and you don't even know about it, we don't talk about these things. An affair is about feeling good about yourself and your life for maybe the first time in years. You whip yourself back into shape for a new lover, you enjoy having a date for the first time in years, you swoon when you have a first kiss, you are so excited when you are finally alone together and are amazed at the passion that you share with your secret lover...truly it is an experience like no other in life.



The odd thing is that it helps your marriage. It takes the edge off, so you don't fight over stupid things at home, you are not so annoyed with your spouse, and you think about your lover and smile as you go through all those routines that have become your life. It's a crazy world. Trust me, I speak the truth about that. You can't know what I mean until you have been there yourself. Would you like to find a lover? I'm looking. I may be the only decent guy on here, it seems most of the others posted naked pictures of themselves or just wrote about sex. I'm guessing that they never had an affair, that no woman would have them. An affair is not a porn movie, it's more of a romantic comedy...yeah, an affair is definitely a chick flick :)

My Samsung Galaxy S2

I now have a kick ass phone and with it comes a price. The price of being in this relationship for two whole years. Now, if my relationship was different entirely, then I so wouldn't mind being in a family plan. The way my relationship is now. I'm scared for the next two years.

He says that he isn't a monster and I know that he's not but there are times where he acts like he is. I think he's like this because Naomi was the monster.

Military Girlfriend

I found this note on one of my friend's Facebook. I thought it was nice and good to share. Props to military girlfriends, I don't think that I could do what you do. Glad Sir is out and done.

I am a military girlfriend. I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be. I am at the bottom of the chain. I hold no Military ID card, I am not a “dependent” or a parent. The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news. I understand this and accept this.
I am a military girlfriend. I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away. People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me. I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.
I am a military girlfriend, there is no ring on my finger that symbolizes our commitment. I hope every day that he will be able to call because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions… smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on a brief communication where “I love you and I’m okay” speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.
I am a military girlfriend. I take no moment spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.
I am a military girlfriend. The events of the next several months hold my life, my love, and my future in the balance. When you watch the news reports, you may turn away and go about your business relatively unaffected. When I watch news stories of the war, I do not see nameless soldiers a half a world away. I see individuals who will be forever changed by war. News of every casualty causes me physical pain and deep sadness, and tears beyond my control.
I am a military girlfriend, not a spouse or family member. When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please don’t forget about me.

It seems like everything I say and I do, I'm just in the wrong.
The words I say, regardless of how good or bad or neutral it is, I end up getting words put in my mouth. My tone is always wrong and my body language is always angry.
Everything I do is wrong.
I am just plain wrong.
I never do anything right.
I'm not good for anything at all.
I am completely and utterly worthless.
What's the point of my existence?

No point. No point at all.
Then, why am I still here living?


Somewhere deep inside of me
Buried under all this negativity is just a sliver of hope.
A sliver of chance and desire.
I realize my worth
I realize my purpose

That's all just a lie.
I
Am
Worthless

I crave so much for the safety and comfort of my room. I crave for the ability to just sing my heart out to whatever song that fits my mood. I crave for the ability to be mad and vent it all out.

I feel so caged in. I can't let my feelings out without the fear of being scolded or being ignored or being thought of as a child.

My showers have gotten longer. Tears just stream down my face and blends in with the water. I'm not a cutter or into hurting myself but sometimes, I ponder about cutting. Cutting just so I can feel something else than the pain in my heart.