To My Father

I’m Sorry

I’m sorry that I lied to you when I said that I was wearing an undershirt
I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you.
I’m sorry that you had to repeat things over and over again when you were lecturing me when I did something wrong.
I’m sorry that I didn’t hear you cause your said point about ten times in different ways.

I’m sorry that I didn’t clean my room the exact way you told me to; start at the door and work my way to the back.
I’m sorry that our definition of clean isn’t the same; as long as I can find my stuff then it’s clean enough.
I’m sorry that I didn’t wash the dishes.
I’m sorry I made a mess when I actually did and that’s really why I don’t wash the dishes.
I’m sorry that I used the dishes that you had just washed instead of grabbing them from the cabinet
I’m sorry that I finished eating and placed my dishes in the sink at the same time you finished washing.
I’m sorry I over loaded the washing machine.
I’m sorry I didn’t load the dryer.
I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you that we were out of detergent.

I’m sorry that I don’t fold my clothes, the way that you wanted me to.
I’m sorry that I don’t iron my clothes the same way you do.
I’m sorry that I left the iron plugged in when I went to get the rest of my clothes to iron that‘s just a few feet away from the ironing board..
I’m sorry that I used a lot hangers.
I’m sorry that I broke a good number of them.

I’m sorry that I don’t walk the way that you want me to walk.
I’m sorry that I seem to stomp when I walk up the stairs.
I’m sorry that I swing the door shut when my hands are full.
I’m sorry that when I do shut the door properly, it seems like I slammed it.
I’m sorry that I lock the door to my room or whatever room I’m in and happens to have a lock on the door
I’m sorry that I don’t lock the doors that really need to be locked like the front, back and side doors.

I’m sorry that I don’t tell you when I’m leaving.
I sorry that I don’t tell you  where I’m going
I’m sorry that I don’t tell you who I’m with.
I’m sorry I don’t tell you when I’m coming home.
Though it really should be a given by now that plans are made out of the blue and that if they’re made ahead of time, it’s usually because I’m the one that plans them or we decided to follow through with the random things we want to do.
I don’t go anywhere unless I’m with my friends or if I’m by myself then I’m heading to the same places I usually go to: Starbucks, Panera, Church, School.

I’m sorry that I don’t introduce you to my friends.
I’m sorry that they are mostly guys.
I’m sorry that I decided to give him a chance.
I’m sorry that you don’t like him.
I’m sorry that I don’t follow Filipino traditions
I’m sorry that I’m Americanized.

I’m sorry that I have attitude.
And by attitude, you have a problem with the way I talk and deliver my tone.
I speak to you the exact same way I speak to any other adult that I am familiar with.
I’m sorry I’m growing up but that’s the way life is.
I’m sorry that blast my music and it just so happens to be guitar or drum or bass heavy.
I’m sorry that I spend a lot of time on the computer but I’m actually doing something important even though it doesn’t seem like it.
I’m sorry that our ideas of what is important is different.

I’m sorry that I’m an expensive daughter.
I’m sorry that I chose to be a percussionist rather than a violinist or flutist, or a wind player.
I’m sorry that I don’t like the piano that much.
I’m sorry that my grades aren’t what you wanted them to be.
I’m sorry that I like to be early for some things.
I’m sorry that I seem to be spoiled.
 
I’m sorry that I don’t support you on anything that you deem as important.
Did you really expect me do that, when you don’t support the things that are important to me?
I’m sorry that you thought that.

I’m sorry that I thought that a father’s love was unconditional.
I’m sorry that I thought that you’d support me in the things that I do as long as I was happy.
I’m sorry that I’m not the perfect daughter.

I’m sorry
that I don’t actually mean a single one of these apologies.



(2007)