A Rant and Ramble

Being in Texas is overwhelming. Sir has a great family even though it's a broken family. I can see why he loves them all so much and why he is craving to move back home. There's the saying that home is where the heart is and when Sir left Texas to join the military, he left his heart in Texas. Soon after we go here, he's been pushing at the idea of moving back to Texas. He told his step sister and his parents, his cousins and whoever else would listen, that come August when his lease is up he's hoping to move back home. There's nothing that's keeping him in Virginia except for this one Asian chick, me. The way he phrased and said it, seems like if he's not back in Texas next year around August or September that it's my fault. I know that he didn't mean for it to come across like that but it did. I'm also thinking that some of his cousins could've taken it that way too. Living in Texas is so much cheaper that living in Virginia. His paycheck would go a whole lot more that it does back home. The cost of living is so much cheaper. Regardless of what he says, I feel like it's my fault that he's not already living in Texas. Then it's even more so my fault that he's not going to be moving back to Texas for a while. He's pushing for us to be married because I complained that having a bed to myself feels weird.

He tells me that he wants me to be happy and that he didn't mean to overwhelm me with the talk of moving back to Texas or getting married sooner. I understand that at some point in time, he's going to move back to Texas. I'm afraid that the decision is closer than it actually is. Sir isn't going to NOVA anymore and he's going to DeVry as a place holder till he can get into Mason. What happens if he doesn't get into Mason? Will he move to Texas and leave me here? Or will he stay in DeVry and get a joke of a degree as he puts it. There's also the issue of his lease. He can't afford the apartment by himself. I'm the only thing that's keeping him here. Smalls has already mentioned something about moving to Florida and Josh is adamant in moving back to New Jersey. If Smalls and Josh leave, he has to find new roommates and if he doesn't? What then?

Sir and I are at different points in life. I'm in my early 20's, only been in this world for 2 decades and I haven't left home yet. I've been out and about but I haven't really experienced life far away from my parents. I haven't fully established independence. Sir, well, Sir was in the military. He's been married and been divorced. He wants a wife and mother for his children. He wants to finish his degree and settle down.

I wish that I could be at that point in life but, I'm not. There's so much more that I have to do and experience. I just.. I just am now making excuses, it seems like. In all honesty, I'm just scared to death. I'm scared to grow up. I'm scared to be out in the world. I just want to be a kid. I don't want to have responsibilities. I just want to have fun.

If Sir needs to go back to Texas, I wish I could say that I would go with him. In all honesty, I don't think I could. Sir and I will end up breaking up and he's made it very clear that once he and I are done. Then he and I are done. I don't think he'll try or even go for the idea of a long distance relationship.

I remember a conversation between the two of us concerning the thought of a long distance relationship. If it comes to that, then our relationship will be an open relationship or something like that. I also remember that if he finds someone else that he wants to try to have a serious relationship with while he and I are still dating. Then he'll break up with me to give them a chance. Regardless of how much he loves me.

I love my Sir and I enjoyed coming with him to Texas but at the same time... Coming here is making me think and I don't want to think anymore.