Growing Up

There's so many emotions going on in my head and I need to let it all out. I usually don't let my emotions get the best of me but this time it has. I shed a couple of tears near the end of the argument Sir and I just had. Though, this argument is more or less him just being mad at me.

I made him out to be a bad guy in the relationship. He is right, now that I really think of it. I did put the blame on him that I wasn't able to stay with him on Thursday nights. He could've been against it rather than actually agree with me or at least offer that I just screw it and stay on a Thursday every now and then. But it's whatever and what's done is done. It might be bad to say that it is a fact that Sir is a jerk. Either way, it is true. Sir is a jerk. Another truth is that he is a jerk to me. He's not a jerk all the time. He is right in saying that, he's only a jerk about me having to grow up in certain situations. The way I see it, is that a jerk is a jerk. It doesn't matter if it's all the time or some of the time or once in a while. A jerk is a jerk. I've made him out to be a jerk all the time to our friends and honestly, he isn't.

I don't agree with how he treats other people. I don't agree with how he is around new people. He is himself and he doesn't conform to what everyone wants him to be. I love him for that. Who am I to try and change him? What right do I have to even do so or to even try?

The way I see it, what right do I have to try and change people? What right do I have to try and influence them? I mean what right do I have to even try and give them advice? If you tell me that as their friend that I'm allowed to. I don't see that as an excuse. I don't even see that as an argument. If you are the one having this problem with another friend I would so totally contradict myself and tell you that you have every right. However, when it pertains to me, no. I don't have this right. See how this works?

I feel like this is how it is suppose to be that I have no right, no say whatsoever in everything and anything. 

Another thing that Sir was mad about is that I'm constantly lying. The thing is, I can't help it. I don't even realize that I do it sometimes. I could have a problem, like a legit problem. The kind of problem that means that I'm not all here in the head. Honestly, that's quite alright if I'm not all here in the head. Just makes me a bit more special.. Specialed.

He continuously tells me that I don't know the difference between him and my ex. The argument there is that, if you keep telling that I don't then, I'm going to start believing it. It is starting to get to the point where money is starting to be an issue. That's a post for another time.