Tomorrow is Today

And today is my birthday. I'm now lying in bed all by myself. No one to hold me tight, telling me that everything will be alright. I made my choice to live. To live for the silver lining of every day. To live for the plans that I have made.

Who should I live for other than myself? Yet, I don't think that's the case. I live for other people. I live for the people I take care of. If I am gone, will they even notice? Will they even care?

I want to know what their reactions will be. I want to know who will actually miss me. I want to know who my friends really are. If I am dead and gone from the world and everyone I ever knew and met was invited. Who will come? Who will come to say goodbye to me? Who will come cause they were forced to? Who will come for a possible social gathering?

I want to know all these things! I want to know who really does value me. Is it so bad to want to be praised for all the things that I've done? I've done your laundry. I've cooked you food. I've taken care of your home. I've made sure that your kitchen is stocked. I've made sure that your "stomach is full and your balls are empty," just to quote you on that. I've cleaned your room and your car. I've reminded you on the important things. I've multiple hours talking to you, texting you, skyping you, and whatever other means of communication. I've kept you company on your lowest days. I've made you smile and laugh. I made sure you knew that I care about you. I reminded you of all your best qualities. I've told you why I liked you.

I led the kids in Kids Choir for two whole years. I babysat little kids. I hugged them and played with them. I made sure their homework got done. I tried to set an example. I tried to lead when I can. I led music during VBS and did the Worship Rally. I've made numerous bags for the food pantry and I've put some hours in the Clothes Closet. I put countless hours in for the website and yet, it's not as good as it could be.

I was captain of my section. I did the best I could. I put many hours in, just to be good. Good, not great. I wish I could be great. I did my best in school though, I know that I could've done better. Life is starting to get to the point of why should I even bother?

I tried to be a good friend. The best that could ever be. I sat and listened to you rant and rave. I gave you some advice. I always tried to be there for you, whenever and however I could.

I just want some recognition for all the things that I've done. I feel like I've done so much and yet, it seems like I've done nothing. Nothing at all.