Inadequacy

Every now and then I'll get random bouts of negativity.. insecurity... inadequacy..

If I compare myself to those model thin girls who are tall, outwardly beautiful, stylish, I am fat, short, ugly or plain and not stylish at all.

If I compare myself to fictional girls that you see in manga or in anime or in cartoons, I am still fat. I am still short. I am still ugly or plain. I am still not stylish. My breasts are small compared to theirs! Note, that I said small, if my breasts were small in the first place, I would feel flat or nonexistent if you compared me to them.

I feel that every guy has a dream girl. A girl that is physically perfect. A girl that has the right personality. A girl that is smart and strong. But at the same time, that girl sees them as their knight in shinning armor. Their prince. A girl that is madly in love with them.

There are those guys out there that do find their perfect girl and that perfect girl also happens to be a perfect girl. I have been told that I am their perfect girl. That I am everything that they dreamed of in a girlfriend, in a fiance, in a wife, and as the mother of their child.

Yet, when I look in the mirror, I don't see what they see. I don't see someone with flawless skin. I have my good weeks and I have my bad weeks. I don't see someone who is fit. I love food and well, my eating habits aren't that great. If I wanted to be fit, I wouldn't know where to start. I feel so embarrassed to go to the gym to work out.

I just feel so inadequate. In every way possible. I'm not perfect and I never will be. I wish I could see what he had seen in me. I wish that I could see what he saw in me. I wish that I could see what he sees in me.

Tell me I'm beautiful and I will modestly say thanks but I wouldn't believe you one bit.