I dunno

I can't sleep for the moment. There's just a lot on my mind. I feel the weight of disappointment on my shoulders. the source of it is questionable. Have I disappointed my boyfriend eto the point where everything I do is just wrong? Have I crossed some line with my parents that I just cause them greif?

My heart is heavy from all that's going on. Every time I do something. I feel like I'm in the wrong. There are somethings that I just don't want to talk about. There are other things that I do but I just don't feel like talking about it at the moment.Some topics you can bring up but it doesn't mean that I'll answer them or even respond. The lack of me trying or the lack of a response is can be aggravating, but that's just how it is. Those certain topics, I have to be the one to bring it up. I have to feel like I'm in control of the moment.. of the situation.

i like being in control of things. i like knowing every detail regardless of its significance. the lack of my control throws me off balance. the whole let God be in control is an issue for me. i can't just count on him to hand me a job, i have to go out and do something about it. I dunno.. maybe i don't really get the concept.. i haven't really been to church in.. a month?!

i really need to get on that..going to church thing.. maybe that's why i haven't been doing so well in life.. i think my rebellion is back